I suppose, looking back, I tried to ignore the uneasiness I was feeling by telling myself that I was turning a new page in my life. All previous expectations needed re-evaluating if I was to find happiness. Asif's family sat there in silence and I was hurt that they were obviously opposed to this marriage — contrary to what he had claimed.

Later that evening of course, was the time for me to be alone with the groom. I tensed when Asif sat next to me. He noticed this and was very hurt. Try as I would, I didn’t find him at all attractive and it was very very difficult having a marital relationship with him, although I never committed a sin by refusing his right. In those days, couples didn’t have more than one meeting. He was a stranger to me in many ways. He was not the sort to talk about his feelings. He worked long hours and I was often lonely. I would utilize this time to read as much as I could about Islam and memorize Qur’an. I was happy with my new religion, but would at times feel that I had been pressurized into veiling, breaking contact with my family and many other things far too soon.

Being a new Muslim, I was very keen to learn as much as I could. My husband would enjoy teaching me about various aspects of Islam every evening and weekend. He frequently mentioned that he was keen to marry a convert, in order to “mould her” (control her?). I did as I was told, and tried my best to be a good wife. We lived near to Asif's family and visited them regularly, but they made it very clear that they wouldn't accept a convert daughter-in-law who wasn't his first cousin.

One day, maybe two months into the marriage, I got an indication at what the future would hold for me, at my husband’s hands. We were doing our usual study sessions together and he was relating the hadith that "whoever sees an evil should stop it with his hand. If not, with his tongue..."

Asif told me with pride that his mother had committed a grave sin, so he'd slapped her across the face. I was shocked (and scared too, I guess). Even I knew that Islam places a big emphasis on respect and kindness to elders, particularly one's mother. This was just one of many hadiths that Asif would twist to justify his unislamic behavior. I didn’t suspect though that I too, would soon be a victim of his uncontrollable temper.

Asif would pray, listen to Qur'an, attend numerous study circles and dress like a religious Muslim. Yet his character was not humble, merciful or just. He wasn't too concerned with improving his inward appearance. He was harsh, cold and calculating. I think he was one of those Muslims who liked to appear knowledgeable, even if they didn't implement the Quraanic ayaat (verses) and hadiths they were preaching to others.

 

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